A Response to the Mansplaining of #YesAllWomen

The #YesAllWomen hashtag has prompted a lot of discussion lately—seems important enough to make the subject my yearly blog post (LOLZ I’m a real bad blogger).  There are a lot of skeptics of this campaign, some because of misunderstanding and some because of genuine issues about the way things have progressed and the way the hashtag is being used.  Here are my thoughts on a few of those concerns:

This is getting blown way out of proportion.  Where is the men’s right movement?! The world is so unfair.    –MRA Hole

Dear MRA Hole,

You are EVERY part of the problem.

This hashtag is being exclusive of men, when the issue is all about men.  If you want to change the way men behave, you need to talk to men about it     –Mansplaining Mike

Oh Mansplaining Mike, I totally agree with you.  If we were trying to change the way men behave, we would be talking to them about it.  The issue is that we’re not.  I mean, we are, but that’s not the sole purpose of the hashtag (which, by the way, reaches both men and women and everyone in between).  If you look at #YesAllWomen and what it quite literally says, you will realize this—Yes, all women have dealt with sexual harassment/abuse/assault/misogyny.  The obvious extension of that is a need for change in men’s actions, but the prominent use of the hashtag is to raise awareness of how bizarrely prevalent sexual danger is in the lives of women. Because no one will take notice of something they don’t believe to be a problem.  #YesAllWomen is about making everyone brutally aware that there is most definitely a problem, in hopes that especially men will take notice and consider this culture that we have fostered when deciding what they can do to change the way they behave.

#YesAllWomen makes it sound like all men are rapists. I’m a feminist! That implication is, quite frankly, offensive.     –Feminist Bob

I don’t blame you for being offended, Feminist Bob. You are totally right, we shouldn’t speak in sweeping, generalized terms—it is unfair.  What else is unfair?  1 in 4 women will experience sexual assault.  You’re probably tired of hearing that statistic, but you know who is more tired of it? Women. Especially the 1 in that 4.  Again, I will say you’re right—not all men are rapists or will sexually assault women, and we shouldn’t discuss this issue in a way that implies that they will (even though 1 in 6 will). I ask you, how then are we to discuss it?  The fact of the matter is that women exist in a world where they have to be afraid.  Allow me to apologize if that fear has caused some women to say things that offend you. Sometimes fear does that, but please know that is obviously not the intent.  But when a stranger yells “Slut!” at me from a neighboring building, because I had the audacity to wear a dress in public, I am not only offended, but terrified. I do not claim to have a solution to your complaint, but please allow me to say this in the sincerest of voices—you may be afraid of getting mugged on the street at night, but I walk with my fists clenched every time I’m alone. Even locked in my own house when there is a knock on the door.  I deeply appreciate the efforts of many men to respond to #YesAllWomen and to advance the women’s rights movement. However, while I recognize that all movements need allies, the movement is not about the allies.  To use a common example, there were white allies to the civil rights movement. Those people had no reason to defend the fact that they were not racists, because they were standing on the picket lines along with everyone else, getting sprayed with fire hoses and beaten by police (though, not nearly as much as African Americans standing on the same picket line).  There is no need to defend your feminism if you are living as though you are a feminist. Stand with us and work toward a solution, and allow the accusation of misogyny to fall on those who rightfully earned it through their actions.  But please, never forget that you will never have “Slut!” screamed at you from a window because you’re wearing a t-shirt that reads “This is what a feminist looks like”.

Let's all come down off the roof for a second...

As a (very) liberal, feminist person who works in an office made up primarily of staunch conservatives, I have had a prolonged lesson in patience over the last few months while being repeatedly confronted with ideas and attitudes of my coworkers that differed drastically from mine, and were not always communicated in the most respectful manner.

As a result of this confliction of beliefs, I have been met with two challenges:

1. To learn how to respectfully communicate my difference of opinion when appropriate

2. To learn how to keep things like learned sexism, racism, and classcism from affecting my emotional state and ability to concentrate.

The first of these lessons began well before election season, as I have been living in politically conservative areas for the last several years and therefore have been constantly surrounded by people who think differently from me, and communicate those ideas in ways that I might not deem polite or considerate of those who think like me. Once election season started this only worsened as it seemed everyone with an opinion (informed or not) was screaming it from the rooftop while pointing at the guy on the other rooftop and saying how ridiculous it was that he should be standing on the roof.

There has been much talk of reproductive rights and gender politics in this election, for good reason. A facebook page that I (used to) follow posted a picture of a pristine mid-century woman, sitting at a type writer, allegedly writing a letter to the GOP asking to have her rights taken away, to be told what to think and what to do, and not to receive equal pay in the workplace. I took extreme offense to this. My mother is a Republican.  Many of my female family members, as well as many women who I have come to know and love as friends over the last several years are also Republican. I assure you, none of these women are idiots, none of them think of themselves as lesser than a man, and none of them wish to fork over their rights. Anyone who says otherwise is uneducated, misinformed, and just as close-minded as they claim their fundamentalist conservative counterparts to be. Upon seeing this image, I was convicted about the way that I speak about republicans, or really any person who I disagreed with politically.  I realized that I was just as guilty as convicting them for their beliefs without a fair trial or proper understanding of their reasoning.

I then began thinking about how this was affecting my communication with people who thought differently from me, and when it was even appropriate to have such a conversation. When coworkers make comments about how Obama is a socialist, or that "foreigners should just go back to where they came from" I am often filled with rage at the lack of tact used in discussing these delicate issues, and with my inability to participate in the conversation without being disrespectful to those who are in power over me in the workplace. The conclusion I have come to is this: These men, who are all much older and much more conservative than me, are not going to change their position because some 24 year old "girl" (their word, not mine) explains why they should. Some might disagree with that, but in my opinion some battles are worth fighting and others are not. Can I get someone to stop making fun of a fellow female coworker by pointing out how rude their remarks are? Yes. Can I change a retired Navy-man's opinion on gays in the military? Probably not, and if it is possible, it would take way more energy than I have at 10 AM on a Tuesday.

In these times of frustration and struggle for positive communication, I remember the Serenity Prayer:

God,
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, (the way my coworkers think and behave)
the courage to change the things I can, (my level of anger and the way I communicate with them)
and the courage to know the difference. (which hills are you willing to die on?)

To some of my fellow liberally-minded friends this might sound like a cop-out. Some might say that I should fight every battle for the things that I truly believe are right. To those I would encourage discernment between fighting a battle that has befallen you, and picking a fight to make your point. There is a distinct difference. Not every person is going to be like-minded, and not every person is going to be kind in their speech, but I can be and will be for the sake of what I believe is right.

Love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself. There are no commandments higher than these.

Where the church has noooo naaaaaaame

U2? Anybody?

When does one call it quits with the establishment they have chosen to align themselves with?  I have had many conversations lately with friends from all different walks of life, denominational alignment, and religious preference on this very topic.  From my perspective, this has never been a hard decision.  Having grown up with no denomination and moving from church to church a couple of times while I was young (due to various lines being drawn in the sand on various church related issues), I have never felt a strong alliance with a particular denomination, or even church for that matter.  In addition to this somewhat natural reaction to my situation, the non-denominational denomination (I mean, really, that's what it is) is constantly producing sermons about how it is not the church or the denomination or organization that is important, but ones relationship with God.  It has been my experience that this particular non-denomination is so focused on the fear of legalism that there is little alliance with anything that could be mistaken for tradition or litergy, for fear of falling prey to "going through the motions".  A valid concern. 

 

However, now in my slightly older age, I find myself wondering about where that proverbial line in the sand is located, and at what point a congregant/follower should say, "Ok, that's enough, I cannot call myself by this name any longer."

 

Is there such a line?  I believe every person has a certain level of tolerance--some just have more than others, and most have vastly more than me.  I have taken this issue to the extreme (or, not so extreme if you are a non-denom) and opted out of aligning with any denomination, or really any church, due to disagreements with theology, orthodoxy, or other issues that typically arise in these sorts of faith-based situations.  Now, that is not to say that I do not enjoy fellowship with others or spiritual teachings.  For Pete's sake, I'm in seminary, it would be hard for me to have escaped the last year without learning anything or bonding with the other 9 people I have taken ALL of my classes with.  But, I have not found a denomination or church whose name I feel comfortable adopting.

 

On the other side of this coin (as if there were only two sides) are those who have been raised with a beautiful, strong, attached relationship to a denomination.  I think of my friends who are so passionately baptist that it oozes from their every statement during theological discussion.  Picture loogies that read "autonomy of the church" and "priesthood of all believers"...things like that. 

 

This conversation first came up with a close friend of mine, raised baptist, still baptist, and employed as a baptist.  This friend was quite liberal, and not only that, they are homosexual.  Out to close friends but not all, I ask them why they chose to stay in a church and/or denomination that did not embrace them.  I could not imagine being a part of a church that did not respect me as a woman, and in my eyes this was the same thing, if not even more difficult.  They replied that they felt it was their "calling" or, at the very least, a noble cause, for them to remain a part of this denomination and work for reform within it.  Very noble indeed.  We need warriors such as these to bring about important issues amongst those who might not otherwise deem those issues worthy of discussion.  But, there is a downside to fighting these fights--you get the crap kicked out of you. 

 

I have known many in similar situations who are fighting, and fighting hard, for the respect, authority, and love that they deserve in a particular organization or church, and are getting wearier by the day.  How much rejection and disrespect should a person take before throwing in the towel and moving on to a church that DOES ordain women, or IS open and affirming to the LGBTQ community, or SUPPORTS you in your service loving the world?  When do we draw the line in the sand and leave because GOSH DARN IT, we're sick of it, and when do we decide to stay and fight the good fight?  Are there some people who will never "get" what we feel to be important?  Is it sometimes not worth the fight?  If so, how do you tell when it is?

Processed Theology

I have had this blog for a while now, using it for a few purposes, but mostly as a way to put my infinite words of wisdom at the fingertips of the world, and to show stuff I bought at the thrift store.  Well, with time comes change, and with change comes a lack of trips to the thrift store.  I'm transitioning this blog to be more word based, rather than picture based (although, don't fret, a blog just isn't a blog without the occasional picture of cats doing cute things).  The plan is this: to have a forum upon which I can spill my ideas as the come or are presented to me throughout my seminary education.  As probably all of you know, I am ending my first year at Central Baptist Theological Seminary as a member of the third cohort in their CREATE program, an experimental program that gets creative with seminary education.  Sound spicy? It is.  This is my first post on this new format.  I have several ideas I want to share and have conversation about, but they are not yet fully formed.  Therefore, until they are, this is what you get.  Maybe while I'm forming I will share some photos and experiences from my cohort's recent pilgrimmage to Thailand and Myanmar (Burma). 

 

In short, I'm hoping that this will be a place where I can post things that I am coming to believe, or trying to decide whether or not I believe.  I'm hoping that the readers (however few and far between they may be) will also feel welcome to comment on the posts and generate a discussion, aiding me in my thought processing.  I may post papers that I write, conversations that I have, or random ramblings like this.  Who knows.  All I know is that over the last year I have experienced so many wonderful things, had endless inspiring and challenging conversations, and dealt with a lot of topics within my faith community (both in and out of school) and I would love to expand that forum to include those I love who are far away, or even interested, respectful strangers.  Here's to conversation and discernment, may all involved have plenty of both.

Happy 100th!

It's my 100th post!

Boy, I'm pretty bad at keeping up with this, but hey, it's whatevs.

I have a day off today, which is rare on a weekday (or at all), so I'm enoying it.  Doing a little cleaning (or a lot), and a little laundry (or a lot), and a little reading for my Hebrew Bible class (or A LOT more than a lot).  In order to further enjoy my day, I stopped at Classy Chocolate and got some snacks :)

A chocolate covered strawberry as big as my face. 

Ok, maybe not that big, but still, PRETTY BIG.

I am now enjoying a small bit of downtime before I fold the next load of laundry, with a strawberry to drink, a sleeping kitty in my lap, and an episode of Fringe.

I'm hoping that today I will get the house into a state of cleanliness that would allow me to photograph it and put up some of those photos here :)  *We'll see* 

And now, for a dose of cute:  

Kitties!

When I came back from my loooooong moving hiatus, I said that I was going to try and blog more frequently.  Well, it seems that the discipline required for fulfilling such a promise is still slightly beyond my grasp, but I'm working on it.  Here was my list of upcoming posts:

UPCOMING POSTS:

-House Tour-

-New Business Venture-

-Kittie Update-

-Anniversary Dinner (only two months late)-

-UPDATED Yearly Goals-

-Reading list/Currently Reading-

-Recent Movie/Television addictions-

-Favorite Blogs/Posts!-

-And more . . .-

So far, I haven't done any of those (except one that would fall under the "And more . . . " catagory).  So, here's my best shot at a kittie update, for the sake of checking things off the list (and OH how I love to do that).

 We were watching The West Wing. 

 Clearly it was an enthralling episode.  Couldn't take their eyes off of it.

Until Yare ran off and Soso fell asleep.  It must be nice to be a cat.

So, here we go: Drum roll please . . . 

UPCOMING POSTS:

-House Tour-

-New Business Venture-

-Kittie Update-

-Anniversary Dinner (only two months late)-

-UPDATED Yearly Goals-

-Reading list/Currently Reading-

-Recent Movie/Television addictions-

-Favorite Blogs/Posts!-

-And more . . .-

BAM.  Look how productive I am.

Plans for this week: 

-Work A BUNCH.-

-Start the drawing for my new tattoo (or two) which will *hopefully* be paid for with birthday money?-(MYBIRTHDAYISNEXTTHURSDAY)

-Finish a baby blanket for a very special lady and her son who will be joining us very soon.-

-Think about adding tabs to the blog?  Not sure if I really need tabs, but we''ll see.-

-Finish pillow covers and other sewing projects for the living room so I can FINALLY do a house tour.-  

So pumped.

-Read A LOT *this grad school thing is sneaking up on me*-

Thanks for joining me :)

Alyssa

Being a Grown Up

Now that Joshua and I have finished our undergrad degrees, we have moved into a lovely little house and are making grown up plans for our future (post graduate school, which we are both working on right now).  With big-kid lives come big-kid responsibilities (Spiderman, anyone?).  Therefore, when the number of our bills increased, I began looking for a way to track them and maintain a budget. I started looking into pre-fab organizers at the store and came upon this one at Target, made by Mead.

I really liked the way that this was organized with a folder for receipts, a page to fill in your household budget, and a sheet for listing and tracking expenses.  It was all very logical to me and seemed simple enough to accommodate the structure of how our new little family works.  However, this particular organizer is $14.99.  A little rich for my blood.  I kept going back and looking at it thinking I could make the price drop with my Jedi mind powers.  No such luck.  BUT I noticed today while I was drooling over it that on the packaging there was a website where you could download replacement pages (the organizer comes stocked for 12 months upon purchase).  

I went to the website when I got home and found out that not only where the exact pages from the planner available online (I figured they were probably a simplified downloadable version), but they were free!  You didn't even have to have proof of purchase of the organizer to access them.  Here is the website where they can be found.  

So, instead of shucking out $15 for the pretty (yet expensive) Mead book, I downloaded the pages for free (which are in PDF format, so I can edit them in illustrator if I want to customize them.  There's the benefit of a four year degree in Graphic Design.  w00t).  I bought a $4 8-pocket-folder from Target ($3 with a Target Web Coupon for $1 off an Up and Up product of $3 or more) that has pockets and label tabs to hold my newly downloaded sheets along with bills as they come in the mail.  This way, everything is in one place and is organized and clearly labeled when it comes time for me to pay bills.  I'm super excited to use my new system (it's nerdy, I know, but school supplies make my heart flutter).  

This is the result:

Sorry for the crappy lighting.  I'm really bad about being patient enough to wait for natural light, so a lot of times my blog photos look like myspace pictures (imagine the typical camera-in-view standing in front of a mirror kissy-face pose)

I reformatted the downloadable pages to only include the categories that I thought Joshua and I would use, so I was able to get the budget to fit onto one page instead of two.  Then, for each category I printed out an edited version of the expense tracker page so that we could keep track of how much was spent in each respective category and make sure that we didn't go over the budgeted amount.  The folder that I bought has four pocket pages, each with a tab and a folder pocket on either side of the plastic sheet.  I slid the budget sheet and the expense sheets (paper clipped together) into the front side of the pocket, and on the back I placed an envelope to gather receipts from the recorded purchases (I have a thing for labeling inanimate objects with "Hello, my name is" name tags.  I think feel like it gives them a personality, and it makes me giggle), and a binder clip to hold bills that will need to be paid throughout the month.  Because the folder has four pockets I will be able to view and record four months at a time, and when it gets filled up, I'll just remove and file away the sheets, as well as any receipts that we might need when we file our taxes for the year, and then print out new sheets for the next month.  

I am really excited about this new system, and I think it's going to work really well for Joshua and me.  The hope is that by tracking our spending more closely, we will be able to pay off debts more quickly and *crosses fingers* start squirreling some money away for our future plans. *sigh* A girl can dream, right?

What is your favorite way to organize bills/budgets?  Are you the person who handles the finances in your family, or do you and your partner share the responsibility?  I'm always fascinated to hear how other people handle money and the balance that they are able to achieve in their lives :)

xoxo Alyssa

*coming soon* HOUSE TOUR! (at least a partial one)